We all picked out your special tree, together, as past traditions. We also spent Xmas Eve together with you, as always and we sent off a bunch of green and red balloons with personalized messages, to you in heaven! Berlin wanted to go through all of her letters to you and share them with me. She is so sentimental too, and we get that from YOU!
Heart and Soul, Together Forever, Earth and Heaven!!!~~~
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Dear Mom,
I am also so sorry that you never knew your Dad was in the hospital (very sick), and neither did Jeremy or I. This broke all of our hearts because regardless of any hard feelings, or distance that may have been there (with valid reason); we should have had the opportunity to at least know, and the chance to visit him and share some loving words- while he was alive. I know how much he would have wanted to see you and say some last words before he passed. And I know how much you wanted the chance to say some last loving words. The hurt you felt!!! Big Pampa: unconditionally we all loved you and still love you!! I hope Mom is with you, Big Nana, Uncle Tom, Mamaw Wesley, and Mamaw Teen!
This month...
This time of year was always harder on you when you lost your special brother; I remember!!! This time of the year is extremely painful for all of us, because you were FORCED to be taken from us, from your life: UNJUSTLY! Every single day, is one step at a time for me! Not a single day goes by that I don't have to fight off the invading thoughts, flashes!! I am taking so many strides to find my way through this! To survive this!! I know I have too, for my own salvation, for my children, for you MOM!!! I will never give up and will always continue the self help steps, I am taking! You never gave up, through the worst non stop tragedy (over 11 years)!! Even when you were so tired, and sick and tired of being "sick and tired!" Even at your dieing moments, you fought 2 cardiac arrests, as sick as you were at that point. Your spirit fought so hard to stay alive!!! You did everything you were supposed to do! Even when you didn't want to, they said it would save your life and "IT" along with all the other hardcore negligence and medical malpractice; KILLED you!!! I am still fighting for justice and won't EVER rest, until JUSTICE is served!!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
The final day, day 7******* In Merri's NAME, OH HOW I LOVE AND MISS AND NEED YOU MOM!
I feel so empty inside, regarding! I long for the day where I can feel some healing, peace, and closure; but this day for me, doesn't seem to exist! Maybe when justice is officially served, maybe then I can feel something different then what I feel, even one year later! Maybe! I hope!! Hope ...and pray is all I can continue to do, as I continue to strive toward feeling different, feeling better (in regards)! My personal struggle, seems like a lifetime struggle I am left with!
On the flip side, I feel so blessed, grateful, and happy for my health, life, my children, my family, my dearest friends! The valuable lessons I continue to learn and the amazing life exeriences (good and bad), Aha moments, new insights, I could go on and on! I count my blessings every single day!!
On the flip side, I feel so blessed, grateful, and happy for my health, life, my children, my family, my dearest friends! The valuable lessons I continue to learn and the amazing life exeriences (good and bad), Aha moments, new insights, I could go on and on! I count my blessings every single day!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day 5 & 6**
Happy Halloween, Mom!! I am strong for you today, for OUR babies!! I got my strength from you! I don't know how you did it!! My strength is nothing compared too!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
More to Mom's STORY!!
You were in the news so many time for your heroic acts!! And in your time of tragedy, no one noticed!!! I tried so hard to get help, get the news involved, Oprah, someone, who could HELP your situation!!!
You fought through it all somehow; and finally got to a better place again! I remember your words and can hear your voice when you said, " I am back and I am not going anywhere!" We finally had our Mom back!! You finally saw some light at the long dark hopeless tunnel.
And then BAM, back to being consumed in loneliness, a prisoner, all alone. Staring, fidgeting your fingers, not being able to see the t.v you were watching, not being able to read, not even being able to dial the phone at times to call someone. 3 months straight all over again, to the point your mind began to create experiences, like being in the lounge room instead of being stuck to that hospital bed. I remember your words, your voice, "I am sick in tired of being sick and tired." Yet you didn't want to die, you feared death for us, for yourself!!!
And then BAM again, straight to 7 days of horror, 4 1/2 in which you couldn't speak, and were in and out of sedation. 2 cardiac arrest your spirit fought through and then your final cardiac arrest, you body could not take anymore!!!!
Torture is one word that can truly DESCRIBE!!
Why not a peaceful passing. Why did you have to endure all the torture and then be taken like that.
WHY!!!!
I feel tortured inside by all!! And I know its taking its toll on me in many aspects to the point I am worried for my own health!! So, I am forcing as much as I can to fake it till I make it through. Forcing my meditations that were once natural and done daily, sometimes several times a day, forcing healing words/affirmations, therapy, ect!! Trying to find a way!!! For myself, my BABIES, my LIFE, for you because I know you don't wanna see me this way!!!!
You fought through it all somehow; and finally got to a better place again! I remember your words and can hear your voice when you said, " I am back and I am not going anywhere!" We finally had our Mom back!! You finally saw some light at the long dark hopeless tunnel.
And then BAM, back to being consumed in loneliness, a prisoner, all alone. Staring, fidgeting your fingers, not being able to see the t.v you were watching, not being able to read, not even being able to dial the phone at times to call someone. 3 months straight all over again, to the point your mind began to create experiences, like being in the lounge room instead of being stuck to that hospital bed. I remember your words, your voice, "I am sick in tired of being sick and tired." Yet you didn't want to die, you feared death for us, for yourself!!!
And then BAM again, straight to 7 days of horror, 4 1/2 in which you couldn't speak, and were in and out of sedation. 2 cardiac arrest your spirit fought through and then your final cardiac arrest, you body could not take anymore!!!!
Torture is one word that can truly DESCRIBE!!
Why not a peaceful passing. Why did you have to endure all the torture and then be taken like that.
WHY!!!!
I feel tortured inside by all!! And I know its taking its toll on me in many aspects to the point I am worried for my own health!! So, I am forcing as much as I can to fake it till I make it through. Forcing my meditations that were once natural and done daily, sometimes several times a day, forcing healing words/affirmations, therapy, ect!! Trying to find a way!!! For myself, my BABIES, my LIFE, for you because I know you don't wanna see me this way!!!!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The DAYS are CLOSING IN!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your story over a period of 11 years: the battles you were left to fight pretty much alone, everyone who abandoned you at your worst, all the wrong that was done, all the continued tragedy, all that was stripped away one by one; has gone UNHEARD, SO OVERLOOKED!!! I will forever keep your story ALIVE!!! The heroic life that you led and the TRAGEDY that took over and consumed your LIFE, ultimately ripping your life right beneath you, us, our family, the rest of our life!!! You didn't even know it. I didn't eve know it, and because of this, we never got to SAY ALL THAT WE WOULD WANNA SAY, NOT EVEN OUR GOODBYE'S!!!
I will never allow YOU or YOUR STORY to be forgotten, overlooked, UNHEARD!!!
You are WORTHY!!
You are deeply needed!!
Deeply loved!!!!
You are AMAZING!!
The most selfless person I know!!!
You are SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!
You have impacted all of our lives, touched all of our lives in sooo many ways, words simply can't describe!!!
Your story over a period of 11 years: the battles you were left to fight pretty much alone, everyone who abandoned you at your worst, all the wrong that was done, all the continued tragedy, all that was stripped away one by one; has gone UNHEARD, SO OVERLOOKED!!! I will forever keep your story ALIVE!!! The heroic life that you led and the TRAGEDY that took over and consumed your LIFE, ultimately ripping your life right beneath you, us, our family, the rest of our life!!! You didn't even know it. I didn't eve know it, and because of this, we never got to SAY ALL THAT WE WOULD WANNA SAY, NOT EVEN OUR GOODBYE'S!!!
I will never allow YOU or YOUR STORY to be forgotten, overlooked, UNHEARD!!!
You are WORTHY!!
You are deeply needed!!
Deeply loved!!!!
You are AMAZING!!
The most selfless person I know!!!
You are SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!
You have impacted all of our lives, touched all of our lives in sooo many ways, words simply can't describe!!!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Oh my heart bleeds and continues to bleed!!!! IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL
11 months to date. In Merri's NAME! 10/26-11/1, will be painfully difficult!! I was at her side the entire 7 days, all but twice to see my babies, who had never been away from mommy that long!!
One particular night I will forever regret that my ride had picked me up and then was informed that the other shift was not going to be staying the night, one single night, a night that could have protected her from this part alone. My gut feeling knew, and all I could do was express it; as I tried so hard to find a ride back up.
So, painstakingly this night; she was forced to be alone, and this night alone broke her, added dire pain and agony to her, from more medical fuck ups; and she was helplessly all alone, couldn't even call one of us, couldn't see to call even if she had a phone nearby!! Couldn't even see to push nurse button, to get their attention, or in need of help.
RAGE!!!
One particular night I will forever regret that my ride had picked me up and then was informed that the other shift was not going to be staying the night, one single night, a night that could have protected her from this part alone. My gut feeling knew, and all I could do was express it; as I tried so hard to find a ride back up.
So, painstakingly this night; she was forced to be alone, and this night alone broke her, added dire pain and agony to her, from more medical fuck ups; and she was helplessly all alone, couldn't even call one of us, couldn't see to call even if she had a phone nearby!! Couldn't even see to push nurse button, to get their attention, or in need of help.
RAGE!!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Happy Birthday MOMMY!!!
I remember your bday last year, how special it was! We brought the party to you! You lit up the room, even though inside you were “sick in tired of being sick in tired”. We played phase ten, even though you could hardly see the cards. We laughed, we loved, we shared our time together, the whole fambam!!!
This moment got cut short, and the look in your eyes broke all of our hearts. My heart breaks a mill times that I didn’t have my car at this time and that I had to rely on someone else to get us home and because of this, this special moment had to be cut short and rushed You didn’t want us to stop the game, you didn't want the night to end so soon, you were surrounded by attention and love and care!!! Compared to your prison of lonliness stuck in a room staring into space, watching tv, but barely being able to see, more so listening to tv, not knowing the hours and days from each other. We had no idea this would be our last BDAY with you!!
You deserved so much better, so much more!!! None of it is right!!! You would have never turned your back on the ones you loved!!! You would have never been to busy!!! You would have never felt inconvenienced!!!!
RAGE, RAGE, RAGE!!! DIRE PAIN, DIRE AGONY, DIRE HAUNTING!!!!!
FOR MY OWN SALVATION, I BATTLE EVERY SINGLE DAY TO TRY AND SET THE RAGE FREE AND TRY AND FIND ANY BITS AND PIECES OF HEALING!! THERE CAN NEVER BE PEACE OR CLOSURE!!! BUT I AM DESPERATE FOR ANY BITS AND PIECES OF!!!!
This moment got cut short, and the look in your eyes broke all of our hearts. My heart breaks a mill times that I didn’t have my car at this time and that I had to rely on someone else to get us home and because of this, this special moment had to be cut short and rushed You didn’t want us to stop the game, you didn't want the night to end so soon, you were surrounded by attention and love and care!!! Compared to your prison of lonliness stuck in a room staring into space, watching tv, but barely being able to see, more so listening to tv, not knowing the hours and days from each other. We had no idea this would be our last BDAY with you!!
You deserved so much better, so much more!!! None of it is right!!! You would have never turned your back on the ones you loved!!! You would have never been to busy!!! You would have never felt inconvenienced!!!!
RAGE, RAGE, RAGE!!! DIRE PAIN, DIRE AGONY, DIRE HAUNTING!!!!!
FOR MY OWN SALVATION, I BATTLE EVERY SINGLE DAY TO TRY AND SET THE RAGE FREE AND TRY AND FIND ANY BITS AND PIECES OF HEALING!! THERE CAN NEVER BE PEACE OR CLOSURE!!! BUT I AM DESPERATE FOR ANY BITS AND PIECES OF!!!!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Overview: I erased the few that I had no trouble or experience with~
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.
Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event
2. Avoidance
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
3. Arousal
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Sleeping difficulties
You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"), and the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:
Agitation, or excitability
Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
Headache
Causes
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.
PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in the United States may have caused PTSD in some people who were involved, in people who saw the disaster, and in people who lost relatives and friends. These kinds of events can produce stress in anyone, but not everyone develops PTSD.
The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.
Having good social support helps to protect against PTSD. In studies of Vietnam veterans, those with strong support systems were less likely to get PTSD than those without social support.
People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.
Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event
2. Avoidance
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
3. Arousal
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Sleeping difficulties
You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"), and the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:
Agitation, or excitability
Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
Headache
Causes
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.
PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in the United States may have caused PTSD in some people who were involved, in people who saw the disaster, and in people who lost relatives and friends. These kinds of events can produce stress in anyone, but not everyone develops PTSD.
The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.
Having good social support helps to protect against PTSD. In studies of Vietnam veterans, those with strong support systems were less likely to get PTSD than those without social support.
People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Challenging month!!
September 1st, 10 months--In Merri's NAME** OUR MOTHER, OUR NANA, OUR HERO, OUR HEART & SOUL, OUR EARTH ANGEL, OUR HEAVENLY ANGEL~
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN 27 DAYS!! WE SHALL CELEBRATE THIS SPECIAL DAY AS WE ALWAYS DO, OUR FAMILY GATHERING!!! OUR TRADITIONS LIVE ON FOREVER!!!!
THIS WILL BE A VERY DIFFICULT DAY FOR ALL OF US!!!
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN 27 DAYS!! WE SHALL CELEBRATE THIS SPECIAL DAY AS WE ALWAYS DO, OUR FAMILY GATHERING!!! OUR TRADITIONS LIVE ON FOREVER!!!!
THIS WILL BE A VERY DIFFICULT DAY FOR ALL OF US!!!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
My dream last night....
all I remember is being in a hospital, and seeing you in ICU, this time you were laying on your side, I walked in, I noticed in shock but with great relief that you didn't have the life support tube in and your neck brace was off. I went to your side, I finally got to talk to you and you were able to talk back. I caressed your hair and head. You were pent up with tears and started to shed all of them. It was bottled up inside from when you couldn't speak and all the chain of events that occurred over the 7 days. I held you, I hugged you!! It seemed so real!!! I felt such overwhelmed JOY and PEACE!!! I felt with huge confidence that there was now a great chance you could get better and make it through!!! I then awoke and realized it was just a dream!!! I felt shattered!!! But, it also felt so good to see you and hold you and we both got to communicate to each other!!! I pray for these dreams!!! I need these dreams!!! As desperate as that is, it is all I have!!!! And I will take what ever I can get, until I can find more!!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Phase 2
I have to avoid any and all.. thoughts of you of it, for now!!! It's too unbearable!! I have to fight the urge, divert over and over every time you/it pops into my head. I have to look away, I can't visit this site for a while. For now mommy!! Every breath I breath is through you! You live on through all of us, every thing we do, every day we live until we get to hold each other again in heaven! The fight for justice still continues!! I will not stop until justice is served!! There is NO CLOSURE NO PEACE!!!! But, I am desperate for any ounce I can find, regarding!!!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Letter from Mom to Aimee
She hated the computer, and this was her one and only letter to me(of the thousands)that she actually got on the computer to type and it's cute, you can actually tell she didn't use computer that often:
Dear Aimee',
I know we had our arguments and fights and I've even threatened to move you out but I think we both always new it was an empty threat. Part of me is excited for you cause believe it or not I was 19 once and I moved out though not voluntarily,,,, Mom and dad moved back to Chicago and I was in college here., but any way it was kinda of exciting tho I would have prefered if Mom had only been a few miles away instead of 3 thousand but…The other part of me is all weeapy cause my baby, and you are my baby is moving out and it feels like the second third of my reason for being here is going. Guess I'd better watch out when Jeremy moves out, I won't have an excuse for being any more. I just want you to really be happy and careful and safe and happy and everything.. Please remember that for whaat it's worth, this will always be your home and I hope you'll always want to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays etc. here with us.. Please don't ever tell the other two but since the moment you were born and looked me in the eyes you were my favorite. Krish and Jeremy used to complain about it all the time. When we were in the hospital and you were brand new, you would talk to me and I to you. You were my buddy cause I got to spend the most time with you cause they wouldn't let you start schoool cause of your b-day. Just please never doubt how very much I've always loved you and always will. Yoou kids are my life and I love you oh so very much. Enjoy your pretty , smokeless , apt. Just please be very careful.
Love ALWAYS, Mom
Dear Aimee',
I know we had our arguments and fights and I've even threatened to move you out but I think we both always new it was an empty threat. Part of me is excited for you cause believe it or not I was 19 once and I moved out though not voluntarily,,,, Mom and dad moved back to Chicago and I was in college here., but any way it was kinda of exciting tho I would have prefered if Mom had only been a few miles away instead of 3 thousand but…The other part of me is all weeapy cause my baby, and you are my baby is moving out and it feels like the second third of my reason for being here is going. Guess I'd better watch out when Jeremy moves out, I won't have an excuse for being any more. I just want you to really be happy and careful and safe and happy and everything.. Please remember that for whaat it's worth, this will always be your home and I hope you'll always want to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays etc. here with us.. Please don't ever tell the other two but since the moment you were born and looked me in the eyes you were my favorite. Krish and Jeremy used to complain about it all the time. When we were in the hospital and you were brand new, you would talk to me and I to you. You were my buddy cause I got to spend the most time with you cause they wouldn't let you start schoool cause of your b-day. Just please never doubt how very much I've always loved you and always will. Yoou kids are my life and I love you oh so very much. Enjoy your pretty , smokeless , apt. Just please be very careful.
Love ALWAYS, Mom
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thinking about you & Missing you every second, every moment; of every single day~!
Mom,
I remember after your accident, you were so determined to get some of your mobility back and you did for a good period of time. I remember taking you to the mall and we went on a Tommy Hillfigure hunt. It was the cutest thing. You were so proud and excited at all the neat items you found. You were rolling through the store sharing your Joy and Enthusiasm with all. I will never forget this day.
I remember when you were back to being confined to bed and you were going through your big arts and crafts period. You were so crafty, I was always in awe of your work. You sent me on a mission to get more stamps. I was your eyes. I went through Craftsmart and described all the stamps that I thought would appeal to you. You directed me yes and no through tons of stamps. You were on the phone the entire time and it felt as if you were right there with me. We had such a blast with it.
Kiara and I remember having lunch at Ihop and you and I showed her what Hangman was all about.
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