Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day 5 & 6**
Happy Halloween, Mom!! I am strong for you today, for OUR babies!! I got my strength from you! I don't know how you did it!! My strength is nothing compared too!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
More to Mom's STORY!!
You were in the news so many time for your heroic acts!! And in your time of tragedy, no one noticed!!! I tried so hard to get help, get the news involved, Oprah, someone, who could HELP your situation!!!
You fought through it all somehow; and finally got to a better place again! I remember your words and can hear your voice when you said, " I am back and I am not going anywhere!" We finally had our Mom back!! You finally saw some light at the long dark hopeless tunnel.
And then BAM, back to being consumed in loneliness, a prisoner, all alone. Staring, fidgeting your fingers, not being able to see the t.v you were watching, not being able to read, not even being able to dial the phone at times to call someone. 3 months straight all over again, to the point your mind began to create experiences, like being in the lounge room instead of being stuck to that hospital bed. I remember your words, your voice, "I am sick in tired of being sick and tired." Yet you didn't want to die, you feared death for us, for yourself!!!
And then BAM again, straight to 7 days of horror, 4 1/2 in which you couldn't speak, and were in and out of sedation. 2 cardiac arrest your spirit fought through and then your final cardiac arrest, you body could not take anymore!!!!
Torture is one word that can truly DESCRIBE!!
Why not a peaceful passing. Why did you have to endure all the torture and then be taken like that.
WHY!!!!
I feel tortured inside by all!! And I know its taking its toll on me in many aspects to the point I am worried for my own health!! So, I am forcing as much as I can to fake it till I make it through. Forcing my meditations that were once natural and done daily, sometimes several times a day, forcing healing words/affirmations, therapy, ect!! Trying to find a way!!! For myself, my BABIES, my LIFE, for you because I know you don't wanna see me this way!!!!
You fought through it all somehow; and finally got to a better place again! I remember your words and can hear your voice when you said, " I am back and I am not going anywhere!" We finally had our Mom back!! You finally saw some light at the long dark hopeless tunnel.
And then BAM, back to being consumed in loneliness, a prisoner, all alone. Staring, fidgeting your fingers, not being able to see the t.v you were watching, not being able to read, not even being able to dial the phone at times to call someone. 3 months straight all over again, to the point your mind began to create experiences, like being in the lounge room instead of being stuck to that hospital bed. I remember your words, your voice, "I am sick in tired of being sick and tired." Yet you didn't want to die, you feared death for us, for yourself!!!
And then BAM again, straight to 7 days of horror, 4 1/2 in which you couldn't speak, and were in and out of sedation. 2 cardiac arrest your spirit fought through and then your final cardiac arrest, you body could not take anymore!!!!
Torture is one word that can truly DESCRIBE!!
Why not a peaceful passing. Why did you have to endure all the torture and then be taken like that.
WHY!!!!
I feel tortured inside by all!! And I know its taking its toll on me in many aspects to the point I am worried for my own health!! So, I am forcing as much as I can to fake it till I make it through. Forcing my meditations that were once natural and done daily, sometimes several times a day, forcing healing words/affirmations, therapy, ect!! Trying to find a way!!! For myself, my BABIES, my LIFE, for you because I know you don't wanna see me this way!!!!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The DAYS are CLOSING IN!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your story over a period of 11 years: the battles you were left to fight pretty much alone, everyone who abandoned you at your worst, all the wrong that was done, all the continued tragedy, all that was stripped away one by one; has gone UNHEARD, SO OVERLOOKED!!! I will forever keep your story ALIVE!!! The heroic life that you led and the TRAGEDY that took over and consumed your LIFE, ultimately ripping your life right beneath you, us, our family, the rest of our life!!! You didn't even know it. I didn't eve know it, and because of this, we never got to SAY ALL THAT WE WOULD WANNA SAY, NOT EVEN OUR GOODBYE'S!!!
I will never allow YOU or YOUR STORY to be forgotten, overlooked, UNHEARD!!!
You are WORTHY!!
You are deeply needed!!
Deeply loved!!!!
You are AMAZING!!
The most selfless person I know!!!
You are SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!
You have impacted all of our lives, touched all of our lives in sooo many ways, words simply can't describe!!!
Your story over a period of 11 years: the battles you were left to fight pretty much alone, everyone who abandoned you at your worst, all the wrong that was done, all the continued tragedy, all that was stripped away one by one; has gone UNHEARD, SO OVERLOOKED!!! I will forever keep your story ALIVE!!! The heroic life that you led and the TRAGEDY that took over and consumed your LIFE, ultimately ripping your life right beneath you, us, our family, the rest of our life!!! You didn't even know it. I didn't eve know it, and because of this, we never got to SAY ALL THAT WE WOULD WANNA SAY, NOT EVEN OUR GOODBYE'S!!!
I will never allow YOU or YOUR STORY to be forgotten, overlooked, UNHEARD!!!
You are WORTHY!!
You are deeply needed!!
Deeply loved!!!!
You are AMAZING!!
The most selfless person I know!!!
You are SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!
You have impacted all of our lives, touched all of our lives in sooo many ways, words simply can't describe!!!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Oh my heart bleeds and continues to bleed!!!! IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL
11 months to date. In Merri's NAME! 10/26-11/1, will be painfully difficult!! I was at her side the entire 7 days, all but twice to see my babies, who had never been away from mommy that long!!
One particular night I will forever regret that my ride had picked me up and then was informed that the other shift was not going to be staying the night, one single night, a night that could have protected her from this part alone. My gut feeling knew, and all I could do was express it; as I tried so hard to find a ride back up.
So, painstakingly this night; she was forced to be alone, and this night alone broke her, added dire pain and agony to her, from more medical fuck ups; and she was helplessly all alone, couldn't even call one of us, couldn't see to call even if she had a phone nearby!! Couldn't even see to push nurse button, to get their attention, or in need of help.
RAGE!!!
One particular night I will forever regret that my ride had picked me up and then was informed that the other shift was not going to be staying the night, one single night, a night that could have protected her from this part alone. My gut feeling knew, and all I could do was express it; as I tried so hard to find a ride back up.
So, painstakingly this night; she was forced to be alone, and this night alone broke her, added dire pain and agony to her, from more medical fuck ups; and she was helplessly all alone, couldn't even call one of us, couldn't see to call even if she had a phone nearby!! Couldn't even see to push nurse button, to get their attention, or in need of help.
RAGE!!!
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