13 years

 I know your resting in peace Mommy. This was always so hard for me to say. Because I witnessed 1st hand how hard you tried to stay alive. 13 years seems impossible. We cherish you! Together, forever, earth and in heaven. 

It felt good having the whole fam (our small family) together for Halloween. We were all by your side these final hours. 💓💓💓💓

October 2022

 Hard moment. 

I no longer track the months since you’ve been gone. Just the years. Every October, it begins to happen…the extra sensitivity, the silent heaviness, the fatigu in my heart.. Some intrusive thoughts try to invade and I thank God I am able to instantly block it out. Occasionally it takes a few blocks. 

Oct 26th will forever be the beginning and Nov 1st, forever the end. Every other month I stay strong and not thinking about it. It took many years to keep the 7 day chain of events blocked out. 

As I write this, crying inside and out, I just want my Mommy. That’s it. 

I know you are with me, with US always💓💓 and I know where you are,like I’ve never known before! This knowing and TIME is my only form of peace. 

You never ever get over it. Time simply allows you to learn to live through it and around it. 

September 28, 2022

 Heavenly Birthday Mommy🎈🎂💜💛💙❤️💚🤎🧡‼️

Hard to believe today you would be 71. Hard to believe we are going on 13 years. Every breath I take, we take together🤍🖤.

We celebrate YOU everyday! We know you are ALWAYS with US. Together, forever, earth and in heaven‼️

2021 Happy Birthday Mommy

My Dearest Mom/Mommy, 

I know where you are and this helps bring me comfort…

I know your with ALL of US simultaneously, always and this helps bring me comfort… 

I still struggle with this loss and always will. Especially the tragic details behind it, that I witnessed intricately. Going on 12 years-I’ve come so far. Still feels surreal at times. 

If only it could have been a peaceful natural passing. I’ve learned to pray for this and hope for this anytime I hear of someone else’s loss🙏🏼

We celebrate you everyday Mommy, always will🥰 

Happy Birthday in Heaven💞

Love always,

Your PT, Sunshine, AJ ☀️

12/2/2020

Oh Mom, I’m having a hard moment. I’ve held so much inside, trying to be strong for all that’s on my plate, trying to stay focused. Tonight I had a good healthy moment to my self. I had to let so much pain and heartbreak out. I miss you so much, I just want to hug you, I want to hold you, I want a hug from you. I held my pillow so tightly imagining it was you. I imagined you holding me back so tightly. I’m so sorry for what we both had to endure. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to protect you. I’m so sorry I was all alone. I tried so hard to protect you. I thank God I got to be at your side those 7 days! I know your in Heaven, I now know Heaven is for real. I thank God for this, this brings me some comfort. I promise I will let it out more often, so it doesn’t build up. 

I pray so deeply that this blog stays up forever and nothing happens to it. After we’ve all passed, for your grandkids and theirs.

You were and are so deeply loved!! More then you ever knew on earth and that breaks my heart too. But I find comfort knowing you now finally know and that your watching over all of us and you get to be with us all at once and always🥺💔🙏🏼😇

11 years..

 https://youtu.be/zCvgXw-Bh04

11 years later- I can now think of you often with basic thoughts-but that’s it! And I thank God repeatedly for how far I’ve come. I still have to check the invasive-intrusive-memories and details that occasionally try and sneak in-which debilitate my heart. 

I miss you and love you with every breath I take, every heartbeat💝💝💝 Heart&Soul, Together Forever; Earth & in Heaven😇

Your Sunshine, Your PT, Your Tall Person, Your Pootie Tootie, Your AJ

11 Years

Mommy, here we go with another year. 11 years to be exact💔... We’ve come so far from that brutal day🙏🏼. I thank the Lord continuously for OUR survival from the tragic 7 days😇. You moved mountains for your children..You touched so many people...You inspired so many more...and You never truly knew how special & amazing you were...So humble, kind, compassionate, passionate, modest... I could I go❣️ You always were and will be OUR light.... OUR shining star🌟 

You taught me how to be the most amazing mom, (which includes mistakes and growth along the way). This is the greatest gift you have given me. My pride and joy, my every breath and beat; just like it was yours💕 You taught me how to love unconditionally...💓

You are my hero❣️

Xmas was everything to YOU and our family and we carry on that torch. 

Today- instead of this date being so tragic; we will begin a new tradition of Xmas decorating on the 1st of every November. With the spirit of YOU💖

Happy Birthday Mommy

 I miss you with every breath I take❣️ I know your spirit is with us and knowing Heaven is For Real- gives me comfort❣️

10 years today💔🤢🙏🏼😇

Nov 1st- is officially here-10 years💔.

Doesn’t seem real that it’s been this long🥺.

I know your at peace and with our loved ones💓. 

And waiting for all of us to run into your arms- as if time has never passed and when we are all whole again❣️ 

Heaven is for real and this gives me comfort. No other place I would have rather been- then at your side those 7 tragic days- as wounded as we both got. I’d do it again in a heartbeat❣️

So thankful God blessed us with finding your sister, our Aunt Susan🦋🌸🙏🏼💓 

She is the closest thing we have to you and your both nearly identical twins⭐️❣️I can’t wait for you to meet her too. I know you already have through us and vice versa💓❣️https://youtu.be/zCvgXw-Bh04

2019

Oh Mom- so much has transpired. I had to focus the past 4 years on saving my baby girl. More so the past 8 months. This has definitely consumed my time and energy. And with no regrets! As you never did!!

She is thriving again and has a new appreciation on life and family. I get snuggles through out the day, holding hands, I love you’s, climbing into bed like I used to do with you. I’m soaking every moment of it in. I cherish every moment. 

I thank God over and over that We survived it! That she is with us and has a 2nd chance at life- as she deserves!! And that beyond- we are thriving again. Baby boy got his diploma early and is working. He may want to do forest fire fighting. I know you have so much to be proud of in all of us. 

I’m now able to think of you more often and not be consumed in those horrific details we both endured together.

We are nearing 10 years! I can’t believe it!!! So much has happened since you went to Heaven. I’m so glad your in Heaven and I now know how real it is. This provides me with so much peace. And I don’t fear death like before. I just pray our passings can be peaceful. Our family has endured too much tragedy. This is my prayer for death when it’s our time. And I pray I am around as long as possible- as my kids NEED Me!

As we always needed you!

I thank God over and over for Aunt Susan! She is the closest thing we have to you!! I know you will be waiting at the heavenly gates to wrap her in your arms. She has grown to know you through all of us and wow you guys are like twins in so many ways! Breaks her heart she didn’t get the chance to know you while on earth. Stupid adoption laws!  But she now knows you through our hearts and 

9 yrs, Wow! Never feels real. This journey we've taken. You are with us in all we do. I now have a better understanding of Heaven and how real it is. This has helped me regarding Death period, and especially your death. Miss you with every breath I take. Love you so much Mommy! Together Forever, Earth & Heaven💕💕💕

Dear Mom,

It’s been 2 years since I’ve posted. Wow is all I can say and feel. I had to fight to save baby girl and then baby boy. I fought just like you fought for us, mom. I miss you deeply, we all do! Ki found some old pics, sunk my heart. The heart beating, heart wrenching love and memories. You gave us the best life. Our family has forever changed without you. I strive to keep your traditions alive. I work to give it All to God, every moment, of every day and to focus on each moment we have left together, being present, being in this very moment...

Always and Forever,
Your Sunshine, Your PT, Tall Person

You would be 65 this year. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you with every breath❤️

Yep; it's that time of year. Can't help but feel
Super sensitive and extra vulnerable. Hard to believe we are going on 7 years.

Dear my sweet, sweet angel,

It feels like yesterday that I lost you, but also like forever at the same time.  The more days that pass, the more I wonder how I am actually really doing this whole “life” thing without you.
I wonder how it is that I am actually surviving. I wonder how it is possible that I’m actually accomplishing all of these great things.

However, I think the answer to that is quite simple. It’s you. You are the reason. You were the strongest person on this earth and gave me all of the tools I needed to survive, without me knowing it.

You never intended to prepare me for a life so early without you, but with just being you, you did it.

You taught me everything I needed. You showed me strength. You showed me courage. You showed me what it was like to fight with everything in you despite the negative hand that you’ve been dealt.

You showed me that there is nothing in this world that me or you couldn’t conquer.
You were my backbone while you were here on earth and frankly, you still are even from heaven. You continue to guide me everyday while making sure I continue to make the right choices. You are by my side every step of the way.

So even when life gets overwhelming and becomes to unbearable to handle without my mom here, I sit back and remember, that you are still just as close as ever, right here with me in my heart.
I know you’re watching. I know you’re proud.

I become a little more like you every single day. I become stronger. I become tougher. I become the woman you always knew I could be. I become the woman that you prepared me to be.

So even though it was never your intention that I would need to learn how to live a life without you, you did an amazing job preparing me.

I am forever thankful. You are forever with me. And I will forever and always be your baby girl.

7 hardest days of my life. 6yrs doesn't not seem real. "No matter how long it's been, i suddenly think of u and it gets harder to breath..." I've come along way in regard. But I know I have a ways to go; to be in a better space in regard to you and our last 7 days together. It wasn't natural, it wasn't peaceful. Those details will forever haunt me and weigh me down inside and I deeply work toward freedom within, break these chains.

Happy 64th birthday Mom. We miss and love you dearly and deeply with our every breath and heart beat.

We thank God for finding your sister. How ironic and amazing that you both were only a year apart and in so many ways, it's as if you guys were twins. You were always in the hospital as a patient, she was in the hospital as a Nurse. You both had 3 children, two girls and a son whose name was Jeremy. Your husband and her brothers name are both Tom. You both look so much alike, have the exact same penmanship, voice, sentiment, strength; I could go on...

I NEED to meet with ‪#‎TheresaCaputo‬, ‪#‎LongIslandMedium‬. I desperately need some form of peace from that 7Day chain of events!!! I block everything out now-a-days, I know not the healthiest, but that is my survival with it for now and to stay focused for myself, my kiddos, and continuing forward to thrive*** I think meeting with ‪#‎Theresa‬, can ‪#‎HELP‬ this process‪#‎DEEPLY‬* This is ‪#‎mywish‬

Dear Mom....Happy Birthday...you are in a very special place....together-forever-earth-and in-heaven. Our Heavenly Angel..

In over 2 years, I have seen some of my clients with major health crisis or struggle; who had major support from their family and friends and it's clear the difference it makes!

 My MS client whom from waste down has no movement, her left hand has minimal movement- she says if it wasn't for her amazing friends and family suppport, she could not do this every day. It makes me so happy to see this!

It also hurts my heart that my mom had none of that. At her darkest hours no one was around. It's no wonder she wanted the lights off and a gun at times to take her pain and misery away. It's no wonder she didn't make it out of the darkness. She tried, she wanted her family support and wanted her friends, she wanted her family around.... she tried so many times....and then would give up again...she simply couldn't pull through long enough, without consistent support love encouragement attention time, from the ones she needed the most. My heart bleeds for this.

I alone couldn't save her. She needed a support system! Surrounding her constantly. My current client, family is there every day. They take turns. Some fly in for weeks at a time for their turn, some have to bring the kids. They all have jobs responsibilities, some health issues of their own. That doesn't stop them.